Last night I got into an argument discussion on a friend's Facebook page.
A friend of hers used the word "retarded" to describe a person child that she didn't agree with. The child she was referring to was this Girl Scout, who lives in California and is boycotting the Girl Scout Organization because they are allowing a transgendered child to participate in a Colorado based Girl Scout troop. Do I agree with what this girl is doing? No, but that's another post entirely. BUT is that justification to refer to her as retarded? Absolutely not. It's especially appalling that this name calling comes from an adult. A MOTHER in fact.
It's ironic that she is upset by a child who is taking a stand against something she doesn't think is right yet she resorts to name calling. I think this is what some people refer to as the pot calling the kettle black.
But back to the point of the discussion.
STOP USING IT.
I don't care if you describing an action, a person, a situation, whatever. It's offensive and inappropriate.
This person accused me of "taking it personally and being butt hurt" Fair enough. It is pretty shocking to see a mother refer to another child as "retarded"
I guess it shouldn't surprise me, because when I called her out on being offensive, guess what she said to me?
You guessed it! "Don't be retarded"
How cute right? or not cute.
It get's better. She then decided that I must be mentally disabled because I didn't like that she used the "R" word.
Enough re-hashing, you can read the exchange yourself. I've blocked the names and faces of the innocent.
If you can't wrap your head around WHY this word is so offensive to people, you've obviously been living under a rock. And if you can't be respectful when people around you ask you NOT to use the "R" word, then, well, you obviously you are lacking empathy.
In case you are wondering, both of my kids have developmental delays. And even if they were "typically developing" it doesn't change how I feel about the "R" word. It's hurtful and hateful and it shouldn't be used.
It's funny how the argument comes up that its a generational thing, how "back in the day" people use the word "moron" or "idiot" Even better that the conversation continued (after I stopped responding) and went on to talk about racial slurs and how that has changed too and was once accepted. Seriously? That's justification for using an offensive word? Because a form of it was once accepted?
How about setting an example for society and YOUR CHILDREN and just stop using them. The "R" Word, racial slurs, all of them. There is never a time or place for them. Ever. You aren't being cute or funny when you use them. It just makes you look like an uneducated, insensitive JERK.
Angela Kinder
I have a mentally disabled cousin and whenever I hear that word, even if someone used it in joke, I get offended. Its never okay to use a word like that to describe someone, even if they do have a mental disability. It's a negative word and I hate it.
Denise
That FB conversation was ugly in so many ways! I applaud you for sticking up for yourself and for attempting to get people to understand that there really is no reason to belittle others - for anything - ever!
Still Blonde after all these YEARS
I do this as it was a descriptive word when we were young...like "Black" used to be for African Americans. But you are so right, now that I am aware, I have worked to stop using it. Appreciate the reminder.
TheMaven
SBAATY - I remember using Black too, and since I was in Southern Maryland with family in the South, I heard the other descriptor a lot as well. *sigh*
I think what is really shameful here, is that it was clearly inappropriate and used to describe a child. Not that using it to describe an adult would have been better but to me it makes it that much worse. How are we supposed to set an example and educate our children?
Leila (Don't Speak Whinese)
I'm so glad you blogged about this. I'm actually working on a whole post now about the evolution of language and a word's intentions vs reactions vs appropriate use. So many people will say "Well, I can say what I want and its not my fault if you got offended" which is terrible communication skills. Some just feel empowered by talking down to others... none of that is me. I will say that this all happened on my page and I do not agree with using the R word at all and was totally embarrassed by it. I'm glad you stood up for it and respect you so much more for it.
I relate offensive language to what hits closely to family... I'm half Japanese... This was one of my replies on that conversation: "It's like people saying jap when abbreviating Japanese or referring to anything Japanese.. they may not know how offensive that word is and think the way they are using it is fine but it is offensive. Very offensive to those it pertains to."
Kerri... I adore you so much and I applaud you for taking a very negative conversation and turning it in to this post that raises awareness. That takes a lot. Now lets move closer together so we can hang out all the time!
Leila
I have to admit, there have times I have used the "R" word without thinking when it comes to a situation, but when I use it, I never intend for it to be meant as the "R" word. I have worked with mentally challenged/developmentally disabled/whatever you want to call them for years and I hate that people use that word. It is a horrible label, period. As for the other part of the conversation... ugh... I have so many things I could have said. I am majoring in mental health counseling and the part of the convo you posted had so much in it that just... grrr! Thank you for posting and bringing it to people's attentions. The "R" word is a nasty word that should have never been developed. And I must add, I enjoy reading about your children and think you are a great mom for doing the job that you do!
Mommie Daze
It is offensive. People need to realize that you're insulting many different people by using that word; the mentally challenged, their families, their friends, people who work with and care for them. Growing up my dad worked at a school that served mentally challenged teenagers and adults. I learned at an early age they are people just like you and me, and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
Eliza Thornton
I used to use the "R" word all the time when I was younger. Everything was "R". Then I read an article somewhere written by a person or a relative of a person with a mental disability about how hurtful and offensive that word is. I felt like the biggest jerk in the world. I wanted to go apologize to everyone I had ever said it in front of. I didn't know their situations or their family members. I didn't know if I had hurt them. Since then I think it's slipped at the most 10 times. And every time I've just felt horrible and apologized right away. It's just not right.
Sarah BB @ East9thStreet
Great post! This word has been restricted in my household for several years. Its hurtful to levels that people don't even understand. Thank you for speaking out about it!
Tiffany
I hate, hate, hate that word with a passion. Just like I hate when people use the word 'gay" to mean stupid. I always gently ask people to please refrain from using that word around me because it really bothers me. I've never gotten one kind response, but I continue to say it.
I also think that you were arguing with a person who had very limited ability to have any compassion on others- see her whole viewpoint on the transgender child and saying a 7 year old shouldn't be "allowed" to feel how she (yes, she) feels. She's then calling another child names- adults should never, ever call a child any names. It shows a complete lack of empathy or respect. These are the types of people who will never "get it."
I applaud you for taking a stand. I wish more people would!
Curt
You're absolutely correct. Using the "R" word in that way is totally inappropriate. It's always irritated me when hearing it and I've always spoken my mind!
Candace
I get the feeling this woman is not the brightest bulb and thinks that to word itself is "mean" and the problem is when it is applied to children with mental handicaps...rather than that using "retarded" or "gay", etc. to describe something you do not like is equating people who actually are those things (living with a disability, are homosexual, etc.) with something negative.
TheMaven
Fair enough, but because of the origins of the word, there really isn't any appropriate time to use it.
Dagmar ~ Dagmar's momsense
Great and important post. People who get called on their bad behavior sometimes start to defend it because just saying, "Yeah, I guess you are right" is too hard for them. They are too proud. And then it goes worse from there.
I totally agree with you, and thanks for reminding people not to use that word - and to relent when they are called out on bad behavior. It's not being weak to say that you have been wrong - it's being smart.
Tauna Watt
Well, it seems as though it's becomes Okay on FB to do an say whatever you want to the thing about this is that it is still a crime to speak about someone it's called defamation of character when you speak about someone an FB being a site that has documentation of it you could just make your point that you are saying something about someone you dont know they do it on Twitter if anybody knows awhile back they sued them because they got on there an decided to speak in a way that was not appropriate to them an they contacted a attorney an bam that person got sued over a harsh comment that they didn't know who they were talking about then you really know you did something about this problem! Sounds like she thought it was a joke an then took it to another level that being said if you really want her to understand that someone has to be held accountable for that let her know that it's not okay an that we have to stop tolerating this type of public behavior so that she doesn't think that it was okay you can still let FB know that you want her to have consequences for her actions an if not then this will be the 1st person that learns that it's not okay to say anything on public places for someone else that see's this! You take a chance when posting on the internet with your identity an thinking you can say an do as you want! That's why bullying has a charge finally! Being a adult come on you forgot to have respect for yourself 1st an 2nd the other's that dont take to this type of commenting or speaking about in a joking manner!
By the way I have a CP child that is severely handicap an I felt this way before I ever had my 9 year old now! Just in case you all was wondering why I would put my 2 cents in is because I grew up watching people make fun of handicap & mentally challenged individuals! I didn't like it then an I'm not going to like it now! I think that this person should have to go an do community services for challenged individuals so that they can see a side of what they are using this word as some kind of a joke an then speak publicly about how this word is defined an what they learned from it! Then you know that you have put a dent in what is going to continue until this is made a example in the public I an see how they like being put in the public as a outcast that threw stones at glass houses!
Tauna Watt
mytauna@gmail.com
TheMaven
Thank you for your comment Tauna! You are right, which is why I wrote about the exchange. It's not funny at all.
Sadly I think many "people like her" will never change.
I am glad the world has good people like you to set the right example and give people a voice when they do not have one.
Tauna Watt
Thank you so much I think TheMaven! I wish that it was of better circumstances! I really would like to see something done just to let people know that you can not go around thinking it is okay to do an say as you want especially on the internet! I think that this person has come to somebodies else page an say as they think is fit so to do! Knowing that in there mind let alone their heart that it was wrong to just make a harsh statement without thinking! I could as well just been negative about that certain person but, knowing what I know an knowing that is does not give me the right to say as I want an that is why I do not even began to put myself in that category an stoop to that level of rudeness! Maybe next time things will be on a happier note when I comment again! Thank you for eltting me comment on this matter an I hope to hear that something was done about this matter that is only going to continue if someone does not take a stand against the situation!
Sincerely,
Tauna Watt
mytauna@gmail.com
Angela
Clearly she has ZERO pride, or tact for that matter. To blatantly speak to others the way she did is sickening and quite honestly, I'm in complete shock after reading that FB thread!!!!! There's no excuse to refer to ANYONE as retarded. EVER. Seriously, it leaves me speechless. Not to mention pissed off that anyone, let alone an adult, would say what she said. Disgusting.
Maegan
I agree. It's totally offensive when that word, or any implication of that word, or racial slurs are used. It just shows the users ignorance.
Isra
This word makes me cringe! So, that's where you've been. 😉 I'm so proud of you for not backing down, when things get as heated as they did it's easy to just say, ok forget it, thats fine, it's good! No, its not good, and we need to learn to stand up for what we believe in, especially when it comes to hurtful words towards children.
Darcy
Have I used the R word in my lifetime, yes. Do I understand it's offensiveness, after growing up, yes. Does it still slip on occasion, yes. (Though I tend to use it in reference to situations) I make an effort to NOT use it. Just like it's not cool to use "gay" for stupid or use "rape" in a joking/ribbing manner either.
When I slip and revert back to old junior high language I'm usually highly upset and not using my educated brain! If attention was brought to my usage I would have sincerely apologized...not dug myself deeper. Sidenote, it does have appropriate use in music notations for slowing down - that used to cause a ruckus in orchestra.
Ghada V
That Facebook exchange made me feel embarrassed for the person who did not understand that the use of the R word is inappropriate. Everyone is dealing with their own issues and perhaps her response is due to her having been marginalized herself in some other way. In any case their is no excuse for being so intolerant and insensitive. Well done you for keeping cool and speaking your mind.
TheMaven
Believe me, I have a reputation for snark (my friends will agree) so I held my tongue in the exchange. I figured it wouldn't have been effective anyway to be ugly back at her. Tempting as it may have been.
Carol @ Retail Therapy
This just goes to show that we need to make sure we are sensitive in conversation, emails, and FB posts - just because it is a social forum does not mean all things should be relaxed.
Tauna Watt
This was probably a relaxing matter until someone forgot this was not their personal page to be so insensitive to the situation at hand! I still think that voicing your opinion is fine but, within the mean's of knowing either your a adult or a child when speaking to someone! This was a body, mind an of free will knowing what they were saying so I hope that Karma doesn't come back an bite you know where but, it does have a way of doing so!
*_* T
Amee
being retarded is not appropriate it was used to describe someone with a lower skill set than the average person. we currently address people as the person then their disability. If we all think before we speak we would be better off. If you wish to make a point then contribute a solution.
melissa
We don't say that word at any cost! It is very offensive
Jewels for Hope
That is horrible. No one should use that word- it is offensive and unnecessary.
Gena
So not cool. And if someone said it around my child (which they have,) I would get away from that person because that's just as bad as cursing IMO. Highly offensive and just plain ignorant. You did the right thing.
Adelina Rosa
I agree 1000%!!! My sons also have developmental delays. Recently, someone (another blogger no less!) made a comment referring to sometimes feeling like she "should be taking the short bus". I found that highly offensive because, well, my sons used to take "the short bus" to school. It was OBVIOUS what she meant by the comment, but played it off as just joking or didn't mean for me to take it literally. People need to educate themselves and really need to think before they speak. I am definitely appreciative of the people who mentioned above that they will try harder to refrain themselves from using the R word.
Dree Getz
You would think that most people nowadays would know better. That word is highly offensive. Some need to be better educated and learn some manners.
Rachel Collins
The r-word is HATE speech, it is offensive. Those who don't think its a big deal, substitute that r-word with the name of your children, tell me how easily those words come out of your mouth. My son has physical and developmental disabilities, he is a PERSON. Those who throw around that r-word are trying to dehumanize people who are like my son. It is sad for them, because people like my son are stronger and the most determined people I have ever had the pleasure to meet. I am inspired every day to do better, instead of saying "I can't"... I look at my son and all that he's accomplished, while doctors were still saying "he would never". The boy who was never meant to survive after birth, the boy who doctors said would never speak, never walk... He's walking and finding his voice to speak up and against those bullies who think it is perfectly alright to attack him and use such hurtful words like "retard". My son was called "that retarded kid" by another adult, as though my son wasn't a person and unable of hearing such hate. My son turned around and said "That's not nice, you learn a new R-word... you learn RESPECT".
I think your message may have changed the minds of some, maybe not that angry woman. You may never know the impact you had, but I can almost assure you that somebody took away with a message to put a person first and not to use such a hurtful word. The comments below your blog should be proof enough, people are listening. This is being talked about, people with intellectual disabilities have a voice and one heck of a large group of cheerleaders and champions for them!
Tauna Watt
This is something that was commented on an Im glad to see that the voice of this is still being heard! If we dont stand up an protect the ones we care about an knowing this is something they could an would not ever put other down NO matter what it is about not just the "R" Word! I have a child that is severely handicap an he cant walk talk crawl sit up an has seizures! I feel like this is something that should be dealt with an I did give the person a suggestion on how to make a difference an build the strength of many of challenged people an this could give anybody the chance to stand up an not take it! Look back an see where I posted an if anybody comes across being Bullied regardless of what it might be this is way to not let them get away with it an stop them!
Sincerely,
Tauna with the greatest gift my son's 1 with CP severely & 1 that is his ROCK for each other!
Leanne
So incredibly offensive, I don't even know where to begin. I'm glad you called her out and hopefully it eventually sinks in how horrible it is to use the R word in this way
Ashley Sears
I normally don't try to get offended by uses of words like this, but I agree that setting an example for your kids. We used to not be bothered by the word "gay" (instead of stupid) until our daughter said she might be gay. It's important when you are in mixed company to realize that comments like this might just be very offensive and try to be respectful of their requests to not use that word. It's called common courtesy. As far as that issue. I think it's RIDICULOUS that child is boycotting. Being transgendered is such a hard thing to go through especially as a child. Kudos to the Girl Scouts for allowing a transgendered child in a troop.
Kelly Hutchinson
My son has autism and we hard that world way too often. All I can do is teach my kids not to do it and hope it pays forward from there.
Ashley
It really boggles my mind that they didn't understand why it was offensive to use that word. :/ You just can not teach some people.
Courtney
Do not like hearing this story - it's very hateful using any type of word like this. We were close to a boy when I was a kid who had development delays and I would see first hand...people are THINKLESS!
Jeannette
Totally agree with you! My younger son is slower to talk than normal children and someone said that to him the other day and I about lost it! People don't realize how much words can hurt!
Raijean
That's a really horrible word, I used to use it when I was younger and didn't know any better but once I got older, I learned it's quite offensive.
Jillian
While I do absolutely hate the r-word being used for anything, I hated it when it was the final conclusion of 7 months of evaluations (well, that and autism) for my son. I hate it when people use it on social media to describe anyone they disagree with. I even hated it when I was a 2nd grader in the mid 1980s. It's a horrible word, my mom would of killed us had we used it, but we never actually did, cause we we were able to figure out it wasn't ok all on our own.
...but saying a trans kid is doing the wrong thing is equally as offensive and wrong, or perhaps even more so, since that was intentionally against a child living as their true gender identity, as opposed to an idiot using an inappropriate word for it's "slang" meaning(s). Intentional discrimination, which saying you "don't agree with" a child being trans is intentionally discriminatory, isn't actually ok, ever.